“Lost our spot in line??”…..

We received word today that our fifth transfer is negative, again. The remaining embryos we did have remaining didn't survive the thawing.

Kev and I just spent the past several hours crying, asking each other why?

OMG, it’s been since a hell of a year!!! We are so distraught from pain… words, they just cant describe, just so hard to form at this point.

This morning Anjani reiterated to us that our medical team suggests that Kevin travel back to India again to give fresh samples as discussed earlier.

Kevin is extremely adamant about continuing our avenue at all cost to surrogacy with KIC.

I , I don’t know…this, right now...is a tremendous struggle for me. It's so thick for me to explain to live... or…or to feel. Anger and such sorrow fills me in a way…I cant barely breath!!!

I see the light at the end of this struggle, I….WE both do. The now..the now WE just…just cant understand the present…the feeling , dealing with and struggling through all of this???? Just don’t understand???

We don’t know where we are going to go from here. We will keep you posted.

Past.."what if"?

It is 11/11/12 and I cant help but think....Soooo what if?

I had just spent the past two hours talking to my sister(Crystal) about her family that resides raising two kids of their own. We both spoke about what our upbringing was and how we reflect upon it. I for one being the oldest, had a wider range on how our lives played out. While my dad and Step mom took on a few years of responsibly to raise us at such a young age, I wonder if our biological mom ever had doubts about another woman raising us? Or if she made the right choice to let us go?? I don't know, nor do I ever feel the need to ask. What's done is done..we create our own destiny. I'm simply wondering..

 I cant help but feel envy and anger all at once. While most American women are borderline to answer "I raise and support my child(ren) on my own", or others that fall upon the cliche that our tax paying money has raised their/our own kids, on government support  is right or wrong? I recently voted for laws and a future to help better our child(ren) future and livelihood.

What I've tried to do is focus on the now, rather than future. I don't know what will become of of future as America? Nor do I know what will become of Kevin and I as parents? 

I do know that I, being the oldest of six know that it is trial and error that creates our future.

Being the oldest I want to know that I will be able to create and direct God's given soul to "us" to love, mold and raise above all else that I know.

Today is the 11th. On the 15th Kevin and I will find out if we are/ or not parents yet again.

Please pray for us and our child(ren). 

I'm at a cross roads as to how I need to approach the up coming year.Am I to be a mother?
If not this time,do I choose to speak about retrying surrogacy all over again? Or do I speak about adoption??? 

Do you remember back in the eighties, when "The Cosby Show" had the little girl explain to Dr. Huxtable that babies come from heaven in a line by stork's"? Well, I do. I remember it so vividly. Perhaps I was meant to understand the meaning behind it due to my future. Or it just stuck with me until now? Who knows?

I do know that there is a child in our kingdom that is meant to be blessed to Kevin and I. 

I don't want to give up until God says it's time.

For those of you that DON'T believe everything in our life (good or bad) happens for a reason....IT DOES!~~~

Until then....Kevin and I are so super nervous and excited we can barely handle it!!!!

NEWS BREAK...YOU'VE GOT MAIL

Hello All!

We would like to share a few links to KIC'S monthly news letters that we receive. They make for good reading. Interesting facts, bio's and photos are shared by KIC and their clients from around the world. 

September: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/kiran_infertility_center_surrogacy_newsletter_-_se?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

August: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/surrogacy_india_kiran_infertility_center_newslette?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

July: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/surrogacy_kiran_infertility_centre_newsletter_july?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

June: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/kic_newsletter_june?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

April: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/kiran_infertility_centre_newsletter_april_2012?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

Some like carousals, others like roller coasters. Us, we prefer roller coasters

As we are slowly headed to the end of this year’s “crazy ride”, it makes me think of something I once heard.

Some people live their lives as one would ride carousal. Moving softly at a steady pace up down, around and around. Most spending ones entire life running around in circles. A continuous cycle that constantly repeats itself with comfort and the knowledge that change will never be an issue as one lives life the same. Year after year same path walked and few things change. These people are unaware of other “rides” outside their atmosphere.  A lot of people like carousel. The fear of the unknown is mighty strong and scary (I know this, I speak from past experience).

Other people (such as us) live their lives as one would ride a roller roaster. Up, up we climb striving for success and all that we dreamed of having throughout life. Knowing with each click of your seat, you’re getting higher to your goal. This path is intense, heck we want to enjoy the hell out of our lives.

 Suddenly, the bottom drops out and you’re forced into this fast motion race with many turns (some are in the dark), loops and upside down suspense. Gripping the reins until your knuckles are turning white…we hold on for dear life.

I received a call back from me doctor. Great news! Both biopsies came back negative. No cancer, yeah!!!

I will honestly confess that having the thought of possibly having cancer forced me to revalue my entire outlook on life, including the way I live it.

Now knowing that I am cancer free, I want to begin moving forward again to the point where I am hopeful of my dreams of becoming a mother with my Kevin some day.

 I realized that I am looking at this journey, my life, cock eyed. Anger constantly fills my daily life.

Last night was Kevin and my three year wedding anniversary. We celebrated by going to an amazing bistro in down town San Diego for dinner. We began in the bar lounge to enjoying a bottle of wine we brought with us in toasting to another each of craziness, laughs and struggles.  Being Halloween night, all parents grandparents, kids of ALL AGES were out trick or treating at all the local restaurants and shops where we were enjoying our special night. An hour into the festivities the sidewalk and the entrance to our restaurant were packed with excited trick or treaters. I couldn’t help but to fill overwhelmed with envy, joy and sadness. With every baby and child that tried their darndest to speak those famous words” Trick or Treat”, my eyes filled with tears.

The never ending string of wanting to become a mother tugged at me so hard, it took all I had not to fall apart in front of Kevin and a room full of complete strangers. It was when I looked into Kevin’s eyes he then knew what it was that was distracting me.  He immediately asked our hostess to relocate us in a more secluded area where we could have a little more private time. After we moved to our table, Kevin and I talked about our journey through surrogacy, adoption and where we would we like to see ourselves next year? To sum it up, one word, “hopeful”.

We awoke this morning to receive awesome news. We received an email from Anjani stating that our fifth egg transfer had taken place. Five embryos total, 3: A & 2: B into one new surrogate. Testing will be done fifteen days from today. He wished us all the best.

Yes the anticipation is back into effect. Please wish us luck with our transfer. We will keep you posted when we receive word regarding the test results.

Until then, be well and enjoy your ride. Whichever one you are on, live it well without fear or regrets.

Love,

Kevin and Angie

Fourth time at it.. Let's start over again!!

"New egg donor and of course new surrogate for sure we are getting pregnant". These are the thoughts that echoed in our minds as we were informed yet again that we are not pregnant.
The initial HCG level of 49.6 reading confirmed a positive pregnancy. Two days following another HCG panel was taken with 24.14 level reading. Thus concluding the pregnancy did not push through. Cause again was due to bio-chemical obstruction. We were informed that a new transfer will take place forty days from September 24^th (the date we received this news).

 And yes, another new surrogate.
Anjani stated he and KIC knows the journey of surrogacy will be and has been hard on us, but to please keep faith. Anjani is always pleasant and straight forward, never producing harsh nor sugar coded pretense. Yet this time... it was too different yet all too the same. Me, “This has been our fourth failure and your telling us to keep faith and stay positive”? Ummm... no I snapped.

The horrid email was sent to us at seven o'clock on a Monday morning. We were both on our way to work as Kevin had me on speaker he pulled over to the side of the road and read the words that tore through us like a tornado through Kansas REALLY UNEXPECTED (as stated in paragraph one).

That night I immediately sent the following email to KIC, “O my goodness. We've were so sure we would be pregnant this time. Fresh beginning Indian egg donor probability is factual; studies have shown higher percentage of a full health pregnancy with Indian egg donor(s). We've been very sad all day. A heavy heart with the will to push forward is too much at times. We know we are going to be parents. What we don't understand is the ratio of attempts of embryo to re-transfer to a negative result. 

Anjani, we just do t understand. 

We tested Kevin's sperm prior to beginning our journey. 

Has our issue been spoken about as to perhaps Kevin chromosomes only adaptable to only a few genetic chromosomes?

We are getting scared that we may be having a bigger issue then what's in front of us. 

We understand and respect that our relationship with KIC is open and we are honest with one another. We need to hear something to help us know that this will work??

Like our situation, do many other intended parents go through this many attempts??

O boy’, heavy hearted is something that really sucks. 

We need comfort and words of encouragement. Fair is something that hasn't been on our side for awhile but the light is still shining....we hope so!!!

We will do our best to keep God in our hearts and prayers as we try to continue”.

Kevin and Angie 

Two days later, September 26^th, we sent another email to KIC and Lexi that read,” We are following up on our questions from Monday’s email. 

Will someone please get back to us”?

Thanks, 

Kevin and Angela Tassistro 

It was highly unusual for Anjani or Dr.Samit to reply a delayed response to any type of question or concern we had. This making every emotion and thought that much worse.
Lexi emailed us the very next morning (27th),

“Kevin & Angela

Has anyone from India gotten back to you yet? Please let me know”.

Thank You
Alexis

Have I told all of you how awesome of a person Lexi is? She may not be directly active with each of our attempted pregnancy, but she is there….in the quite hoping her client(s) dream comes true.

A few hours later we received an email from Anjani “Hi Kevin and Angela, I just came back to India. I couldn't get back earlier as I was traveling. I will discuss things with the entire medical staff and get back tomorrow".

Anjani was at a New York seminar supporting infertility  when our fears and questions were asked of the clinic.

Upon his return he reviewed our case with our doctors on October 1^st. He then contacted us and stated” We understand that this is what you weren't expecting and would be disappointed by the outcomes of the transfers till date.

As you know, there are 3 factors to achieving a pregnancy, the sperm, the eggs and the uterus.

By changing the donor and the surrogate, we have ruled out the other factors from the equation.

But, this doesn't entirely mean that the sperm is the problem.

As there also needs to be a certain compatibility of these 3 factors for which there is no exact science.

As we have a lot of frozen embryos remaining, we will be transferring those to try again and see the results.

If this doesn't work, Kevin would have to come again to give fresh semen samples, as if the samples are given under stressful conditions or/ and when the samples are given when there is an underlying illness, the results are not good.

How you also handle the situation and stress associated with the transfers is also very important.

I know this would be a difficult task to do. But, I would still ask you to be take each transfer as it comes. You have to be positive , of course!

Studies have shown that being positive goes a long way and helps with outcomes.

But at the same time, not be too excited and too emotional about the same.

I hope I am able to drive home the point in a proper way and not being perceived as hurtful or cold.

This way, you will be able to cope better; and look at each transfer objectively and not subjectively.

But, for now, you need to keep the faith as we do and let’s hope for the best!

We will not rest until you achieve a pregnancy and hope to give you the good news soon”.

Since Anjani’s email, Kevin and I have been put through the ringer..twice!!!

Both our jobs have become extremely overwhelming pulling us to work more hours during the week and weekends both. Pulling us in two different directions of what we have strive for and what has become of us.

In addition to ALL OF THIS, I too have been undergoing several testings in regards to both hormones and genetically.

I was informed after numerous testing, on October 2^nd I was born with a mutated gene that causes serious health issues including the inevitable…..

I am diagnosed with Alpha 1-antitrypsin

alpha 1-antitrypsin deficiency (α1-antitrypsin deficiency, A1AD) is a genetic disorder that causes defective production of alpha 1-antitrypsin (A1AT), leading to decreased A1AT activity in the blood and lungs, and deposition of excessive abnormal A1AT protein in liver cells.^[1][2] There are several forms and degrees of deficiency, principally depending on whether the sufferer has one or two copies of the affected gene because it is a co dominant trait. Severe A1AT deficiency causes panacinar emphysema or COPD in adult life in many people with the condition (especially if they are exposed to cigarette smoke), as well as various liver diseases in a minority of children and adults, and occasionally more unusual problems.^[3] It is treated by avoidance of damaging inhalants, by intravenous infusions of the A1AT protein, by transplantation of the liver or lungs, and by a variety of other measures, but it usually produces some degree of disability and reduced life expectancy.^[1]

^{Provided by}: wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_1-antitrypsin

So, imagine my dumbfounded… astonished reality as my doctor continued with the findings of what was found in both blood panel and CT scan. Not only do I suffer from A1AT, but I too have a “shadow” near my liver, over inflamed bladder and a bone spur on my lower back spine.

As my days at work continuously progress into a full blown war zone with personal and a close friend, I too am told that I may have cancer and O’ yeah…AND WE..are not pregnant AGAIN!!!

As of yesterday October 18th, I had surgery with biopsy to determine how, when or if I may be subject to any of the above mentioned. Doc said things look pretty good internally. But causes are underlined in cells that were withdrawn from both upper and lower abstraction G.I and colonoscopy.

SO…I now know why I was born to unable the birth of children. This mutated Gene passes from mother to child(ren). I just don’t know why or what ables me to push forward. Persistence???

I think it’s the fight…the challenge.  I've been here…done this once or twice in my life. Struggle is something I am prone to overcome. I have an amazing husband, family and close friends that remind me what life is truly about. Overall I am fortunate to know that my life trials are not as hard or worse, then others who suffer through worse then I have.

You know, over the past three weeks Kevin and I have been working with my step-mom and her dear friend in regards to adoption. Both are volunteers to an amazing safe/alternative way to baby adoption program “Projectcuddle.Org.” Kevin and I both have spoken to a representative and recent parents of project cuddle in regards to how the system works and has worked for her family.

 It is an amazing opportunity Kevin and I will have when we decide to move forward with this program.

Currently, Kevin and I want to extend our last trail (number five folks) at surrogacy through India before we decide to jump into adoption.

Kevin confused to me this evening that he really wants to try to do surrogacy with his guys again. We spoke tonight and he told me that he wants to continue to try for his part in surrogacy.  If the fifth time doesn't take, he will go back to India for another fresh cycle on his part. Again, if this time doesn't work, God please be with us, we will contact our lawyer through Project Cuddle and move forward with adoption at the beginning of this coming year. We shall wait until KIC is ready for us to begin another beginning of surrogacy.

I don’t know where in the world this will lead us to? Nor do I know if we will ever become parents? 

I confessed to Kevin earlier tonight that I sometimes feel we will fall into the hands of a woman that knows we are meant to be parents to the child she/ or they can not take care of without effort.

Realistically, I know that opening my front door every morning and night will bring us a child. However, becoming a mother, a family will take much more sacrifice than I can imagine or ever dream. My goodness....this is so much for my soul to absorb at times.

God knows I…WE have been praying for strength and will to push us through this year. MAN’O MAN…..HAS IT BEEN A HORRIFIC YEAR.

We really have depended upon our Father to deliver us from evil and send us to HIS glory. Envy and jealousy that haunts me from all corners of our lives has played a key to

my obsession of becoming a parent. God says jealousy or envy is not what we seek; it’s our worthiness to our GOD that matters.

So, having said that, here is where Kev and I are at.

I don’t know where the end or beginning of the next year or two will lead.

I do know that I will keep pushing forward and forcing the positive life for us closer than it wants to.

Having said that, if you are one of us that has gone through such struggle please give us some words of encouragement.

Until we hear from India regards to our fifth attempt of our succeed, we wish all our fellow intended parents now and in the near future, many blessings and love.

  

Let's Get Pregnant..Take Four...ACTION!

It's been one heck of a wait but we've finally made it to our next chapter of our journey

 August 28th,

Morning news reported that India had a power outage the previous day but hadn't been specific as to which part of India was affected. We emailed Dr.Samit and Anjani inquiring if the clinic and staff were doing okay? We too asked about the progress of our egg donor.  We were informed that the power outage was in Northern India and that Hyderabad/ KIC wasn't affected. We too were informed that Kic has 24 hours,365 days generator and solar power back up, no need to worry.

The egg donor’s menses (menstrual cycle) were a bit delayed. The egg  size is 10 mm today. OPU will be 5th of September.

 September 4th....

Twenty eggs were retrieved and ICSI was done today. Wow...twenty!!! Anjani informed us our egg donor is Doing very well!

Anjani asked us how many embryos we wanted to utilize for implantation? Kev and i both agreed firmly at five embryos (the maximum allowed).  

We thanked our team of doctors and staff for once again another  successful retrieval.  

September 7th....

Seventeen eggs fertilized out of the twenty retrieved. Grade are 6-A,  5-B,  2-C,  2-D. The other two were are still awaiting the out come of the transformation.

  Though we know anything less of a grade D most likely won't survive post thawing for the future, we carry so much hope and love in our hearts to fill the little angels with enough to grow to become our baby to have and to hold.

Yup, so here we have it our friends. f'in -a-gain lets begin  Again.  

We shall hear in two weeks  if we are pregnant very soon here. 

Wish us luck!! Yes.... Nervous and excited all at once ;0)

The Upside to Down……..

Realizing at that exact moment our courage is our attempt to make a change..our hopes, our dreams…our need, change.

In a time of fear and doubt our God, Family and Friends are there to lift us up when we cant stand on our own.

A little bit of faith and drive can change it all.

Knowing this isn’t the place we belong, we grab the reins, hold tight and continue to follow our dreams.

Let’s follow our journey to the end of our rope.

I’m learning to accept that this is what life will bring us.

When we survive the great heartache, and then comes the light of hope…and it will, I promise, we move forward.

The strength that our soul has to give that we never knew existed, forces us to want to try til the end.

Listen to your heart, your soul. It will tell you what you ultimately need to know and except to help heal the wounds and decide your future as a parent.

When our hearts are overwhelmed with hope and loss..remember there is and always will be an upside to this temporary  down.

Kevin and I should be hearing news from Anjani and Dr. Samit any day now. And Yes, our hearts skip a beat every hour upon receiving emails that flood into our iPhones.

We will keep you posted.

Have I told you how nervous and excited all over again I am....I know, like a kid on Christmas day...

“What do you mean no track is left”?

I must have started this entry about a five times only to walk away wondering how to share this stage of our journey.

July 6^th we received Anjani’s email confirming that the HCG levels were below average, we do not have a pregnancy. Being that these embryos’ were the last two of our retrieval, the reality of our story hit us hard….all of it. It hit us like a freight train that lost its tracks. All our hopes, tears, love and belief was gone.

Immediately Kevin wanted to talk about our next step. I asked him to please give my time to accept and deal with the range of emotion that I was dealing with. I asked him to put our baby plans on hold for a few months. Between home and work I was so over whelmed. Of course when things are on the down fall, I have my family in Los Angeles falling apart. I came to a point where I was numb and full of emptiness. I just didn’t want to move forward with plans to have a baby when everything was a whirlwind around me.

Kevin sat me down and explained to me why he thought we should move forward with surrogacy. He told me that “six years ago when I met you I had no idea that I would need to make a decision about becoming a parent and how? Ang, it was years of you teaching me that neither ethnicity nor life style make a family or friendship. What you have taught me is to love and except all that comes our way. I think we should move forward with the surrogacy and look at both Indian egg donors and Caucasian egg donors.”

I thought about it for an hour (literally) and said “okay, let’s do it”.

After reviewing, discussing and turning every woman’s profile inside and out we finally came to a decision. We choose an Indian egg donor.

Due to Indian culture and privacy acts within our contract, we can not meet this surrogate nor have future contact with her. We understand the underlined respect for all egg donors. When we were choosing a Caucasian egg donor, there were several that did not want to meet us, nor have future contact either. So, we could have had this scenario both times. We were extremely fortunate to have had the honor to meet our first donor. It’s a part of our lives we will never forget with her.

Anjani got back to us pretty quickly and confirmed that our second donor agreed to become our donor and is excited to begin her process. She begins her cycle of treatment shots and such at the beginning of August. If all is on schedule, the egg retrieval will take place between August 25^th-30^th.

Yes, it is the sit by your email, no sleep, what if waiting period, all over again.

Believe me when I tell you that most of the above update I began typing back on the 26^th, I’m just now forcing myself to confront, and begin working on my fears and emotions with all of this.

I don’t know how to feel or express really what or how I think our second cycle will be? The last failed implantation we had, through me into such a deep depression/funk. I’m realizing I have more strength to do this then I thought I did. After choosing our new egg donor and have confirmation we will begin soon, this forced me to believe that there is tomorrow and we do have hope and a chance to become parents.

 If you are or have been through this, know that you are not alone. There are many of us that are going through this process. Only a few of us write about it. I’m here to share better or worse to the end of our beginning of our family.

I will give you an update when we have more details as we move towards the end of August.

  

Hoping for the best, what to expect?

  I’ve been sitting here staring at this screen (what seems like an hour) wondering if the darn thing will talk to me or tell me what to type. I’m wondering how I begin yet another new beginning through this journey. Where will this first chapter lead us to? During these two weeks our family and friends have been extremely supportive. I will admit I was and sometimes playing the role of “Debbie Downer”. No I’m not enjoying it nor do I realize I am a “Double D” (no punt intended) until someone calls me out on it. Yes, I am one of those that wear my heart on my sleeve.  I’m having a bit of difficulty believing in all of this. Believing that having a child just isn’t in the book for us.

During these last two weeks our family and friends have been extremely supportive. It was a week after our loss we received a very special package in the mail from our niece Kailee and Irelynne. Inside we found these,

Kailee’s hand is drawn with lots of love from her beautiful heart she was born with. 

Kailee reminding us not to give up

and reminding us to not lose faith

Kailee’s drawing of a little Angel and Irelynne's outline of her hand  and little heart. 

Irelynne’s hand opened up into a set of small hands that were of filled with  joy,giggles and love from her and her family. 

Needles to say Kevin and I were crying and laughing all at once. It is incredible how the words and actions from children, especially these two love bugs, make us see things we forget or have temporarily forgotten 

I too received a beautiful poem my girl friend from work sent me. I know most of you; we will understand and relate to the words. 

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Kevin and I know that we are extremely blessed with those we have around us. We started this blog in hopes that our journey will help guide other intended parents, family, friends. We too wanted to show the world that love for your child doesn’t begin at the birth of a child. Love begins the day two people say yes to create a miracle that grows and teaches us so much more then pregnancy. It’s taught us how to be brave. Love is to stay strong together through the rough times good and bad. It’s taught us patience. Our love for our child showed us that it’s okay to have love and lost, than to never have loved a child before. Love for a child doesn’t have to be alone. There are hundreds intended parents that have shown us love, support and guidance through this year. All are willing to share their story, their care and concern and a listening ear when needed. Love isn’t time knowing a person. Love comes from complete strangers sharing their journey of one dream to another.

   

Our latest email from India was on June 20^th. We received an email from Dr. Samit confirming he had begun our third attempt at surrogacy by thawing our last two embryos’ we have remaining. Good news all around both had survived post thawing and was transferred to our new surrogate earlier that morning. Yes, that fast. We were informed that there were a few surrogates ready for transfer so we were chosen for one. Dr.Samit did reiterate that our chance of pregnancy this time is between 15 to 20%

Kev and I both know we should be excited, but the fear of loss and hurt out weighs the lighter side of this spectrum right now. We spent a lot of yesterday discussing this try. What are we going to do next? Do we go for an Indian egg donor? Do we go through the cycle of a new Caucasian egg donor? If so, expect a two months delay upon our first attempt with that retrieval.

We have a family friend that works in a unique woman’s group that assists a person or couples in adoption. We spoke about this possibility for awhile. Then we realized we came full circle back to the beginning of our surrogacy. It was very difficult discussing other options when we may be pregnant, no other option needed, thank you! We will have to wait and see.

So today is our twelfth day pregnant. The first HCG reading takes place between the twelfth - fifteenth day of transfer. Are we tired from lack of sleepless nights? Yes, getting used to it. Are we worried? Yes, getting used to it. Do we think it’s all worth it? Yes we do.

Alrighty, wish us luck. Hope for the best and expect…..

Tear Stained Eyes, I Ask Why”

Hello my Friends and Family,

Eight Weeks pregnant, it was the 24^th of May, a Wednesday morning when we received our email update from Anjani. He informed us that, “there is a hematoma (internal bleeding, UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER OF FETUS) present near the gestational sac.

Heart beat is present; however a hematoma like this can signify some kind of chromosomal abnormality.

 Since it is very early in the pregnancy right now, we cannot do any tests.

We have to wait until week 12 for testing to rule out chromosomal abnormalities.

Until then, we will be checking every week and keep you updated about the progress.”

As you can imagine, we were beside ourselves. How in the world did this happen…why….what does this mean….it goes ON..AND ON…AND ON….

 Of course we emailed Dr.Samit right away. We asked the questions without being to forward or rude…given the circumstance of our emotions. “The update from Anjani yesterday brings about a lot of questions.  We are very scared and worried now and trying to figure out what all of this means. When you refer to a chromosomal abnormality, are you just referring to the higher chances of a miscarriage or actually having a child with birth defects?

In the cases that you have done before, what is the percentage that everything turns out okay?

What can we expect to see in the next ultra sounds?  Are there signs that would say that things are getting better, like the hematoma is getting smaller or not even there anymore?

As for the surrogate, is there anything that she will be doing now that this situation is happening?  Will she be at your clinic now or is she still at her own home?  Can we ask you what your instructions to her are now?

We can’t do anything at this point…nothing. At this point there isn’t anything we can do except to wait for the next ultrasound….on the side line loosing all sanity that we both have together.

Dr.Samit the awesome man he is responded back to us immediately,

 “The surrogate has been at the clinic premises under nursing and doctor care since the embryo transfer.

The Hematoma usually suggests that a Chromosomal abnormality might be clearly established as the pregnancy keeps on progressing, this may happens in 50 % of the cases and the remaining 50% of the cases the hematoma might resolve completely and the pregnancy proceed uneventful.

• However this can only be known by week 12 by checking for double test to rule out ***Trisomy 18**** (which is a relatively common syndrome. It is three times more common in girls than boys. The syndrome is caused by the presence of extra material from chromosome 18. The extra material interferes with normal development). *** www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov**

• To also test for ***Trisomy 21*** (Down syndrome is a genetic condition in which a person has 47 chromosomes instead of the usual 46. Down syndrome symptoms vary from person to person and can range from mild to severe. However, children with Down syndrome have a widely recognized appearance). *** www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov**

• To also test the ***Nuchal Fold Thickness**** (A nuchal scan is a sonographic prenatal screening scan (ultrasound) to help identify higher risks of chromosomal defects including Down’s in a fetus, particularly for older women who have higher risks of such pregnancies. High thickness measurements are also associated with congenital heart defect. The scan is carried out at 11–13.6 weeks pregnancy and assesses the thickness of soft tissues of the nape of neck of the fetus. There are two distinct measurements -- the nuchal translucency, which is measured earlier in pregnancy at the end of the first trimester, and for which there is a lower threshold for increased diameter, and the nuchal fold, which is measured towards the end of the second trimester. Fetuses at risk of Down's syndrome tend to have a higher amount of fluid around the neck. The scan may also help confirm both the accuracy of the pregnancy dates and the fetal viability. Its high definition imaging may also detect other less common chromosomal abnormalities. ***Wikipedia***

The surrogate is taking rest and has been put on a steroid course; this has been shown to help in resolution of the hematoma in the past.

We will keep you updated on the next scan.

Fingers crossed”.

Okay….seriously…are you friggin kidding me??? Again we wait. Cry everyday, cant sleep; don’t eat….just….be…

Our case worker, Alexis Thomas here in the states had sent us a very nice email, “Sending positive thoughts you way! Please let me know if you need anything.” I totally love her to pieces. She truly is an incredible woman that has many talents…including being a friend, sounding board and our wire between us to India of course.

In the mean time, we are getting emails sent to us from “BABY CENTER.COM” (I highly recommend you check out and become a member of this website…when you become pregnant. and you will it is so easy and convenient to have)!!! To phone calls, emails from family via face book messages, messages from our blog. Yes, I do the majority of our correspondents and yes, I did get your message, however I just couldn’t allow the words pass me lips in order to answer you or update our blog…honestly.

 Week nine, June 1st goes by….same progress.

 Week ten, Friday, June 8^th, we received this email from Anjani, “Dr Samit dictated this email to me.

“The scan was done today and is attached; the hematoma is increasing in size.

The heart beat was seen with great difficulty and the heart rate has slowed down, it is now between 50 to 80 beats per minute.

This is nature’s way of preventing continuation of a pregnancy which can result in birth of a child with special challenges, at this moment there is nothing we can do to prevent a spontaneous miscarriage apart from providing luteal phase support. It does not seem like this pregnancy will continue. We will repeat the scan again on Monday and update you.

We are sad for this turn of events and so is the surrogate mother”.

Last Picture of our miracle:

This is something that I never thought we would have to live through.

 I thought, “Oh my goodness. I have had to live through so much emotional and physical pain…what? All the natural motherhood taken from me, why in the hell is this happening”? I was so beside myself. At this time, my mother, sister and friends were calling me to get an update….I didn’t answer my phone nor my emails (iPhone, everything is sent to me)!  I will tell you that this was the hardest thing for me to ever endure. I was barely able to get through the work day. The weekend, I slept..cried..was sick to my stomach,  both Saturday and Sunday. O’gosh, it was so hard to breath. Every second I was awake I shook with uncontrollable. Emotion ripped through ever ounce of goodness from my heart.  I had several anxiety attacks. There was so much pain like I never had imagined. I cried, so, so much.  My goodness did I cry like I never cried. I felt damaged and useless. Kevin and I barely did anything this weekend. We slept and cried, while the rest of life was moving forward.

We were so beside ourselves; all we could do was sleep and email our Dr. Samit, “We can't begin to explain how devastated we are. Having the internet to do research can be a helpful, hopeful and horrible thing to have.

What are our next steps?  What should we be expecting?  What do you plan to do over the next couple of weeks?

We really want to fight for our baby.  Please help us.

Our family and friends wanted an update on Pea Pod.  I can’t do it…I tried three times. I can’t. Those who stay near and dear to me I did lean on. One of my bride’s maids asked me what was going on. I finally spoke to Jenna (the first person I spoke to pertaining to the situation). I informed her of what was happening. God knows that I love her to pieces, and I don’t know what I’d do with out her??? She responded back to me that she was so, so sorry for our loss. She is here for me when ever I need her. We went back and forth between emails. “She is very religious which helps me accept and acknowledge the situation at hand. Whatever our child deformation might have been, GOD took her back for a reason. It was to spare our child from physical and mental pain, as we’ll as our suffering between Kevin and me.

Much to my dismay the last week slowly but surely has been a haze.

My prior week, one of my horrid week of pain I didn’t know which side was up or down.

June 11^th, Monday morning..this is what we woke up to, “We repeated the scan today and there was no heart beat found in the fetus.

We have 2 embryos left and we also have sperm samples.

Please suggest how you wish to move ahead.”

Even reading all of this now makes my heart hurt so, so much.  My sister told me to demand GOD to explain why, AND my purpose in life. Why do I not have child??? I’ve done right (well…almost right) by God’s rules, the law, and human nature.

I can’t explain the words, pain and sorrow that I alone was feeling..and Kevin. We discussed our situation twice. We both strongly agreed that if Pea Pod had been diagnose as deformed or Down syndrome, we would of stuck to our pregnancy. What God’s will is Good’s will?

 If I (and Kevin of course) were meant to raise a “special needs”, child…then so is it. I think all children are and should be  loved equally, in my heart it praises so!

My goodness, I can not express to you how much pain it is to go through this.  However like my sister Crystal and my dear friend Jacquie preached to me,” if the pregnancy was to carry to full term, it would be such a bigger heart ache burying the child that almost or did survive to term. The realty hit me when I had coffee with my good friend Jaquie. She was the Angel that I asked God to answer my prayers. Me, nor any of us( going through the same struggle) fathom the reason why these turn of events  happen.

After much emotional and physical worn shut me down, Kevin asked me what do I want to do? I told him I didn’t know if I could take another heartbreak like this, “Please lets contact an adoption agency”.

His reply back was that since we have already paid for the third attempt, why not try? I know her wants a child of his own genes. I just don’t know if God’s well is to have us doing Surrogacy or adoption? Since I am the one that is damaged (so I believe), I agreed to our third attempt.

June 12TH, per Dr. Samit, 

“Kevin and Angela,

Random chromosomal abnormalities occur in about 15 to 20% of all iVF/surrogacy cases (GO FIGURE WE FALL INTO THIS PERCENTILE….REALLY?) and end up in a spontaneous miscarriage before 12 weeks. This is nature’s way of not allowing the birth of a new born with significant physical and mental dysfunction.

You have two embryos that can be transferred. The third embryo is extremely poor quality and we will not transfer that.

I think we should transfer the remaining two embryos; they have a 205 chance of pregnancy, so I would definitely transfer those and then think of shifting to a new donor.

At our clinic we treat every single case on an individual basis, so you have our full attention at all times.

Let me know, I can do a transfer with the remaining two embryos by end of the month.

Regards

Dr Samit Sekhar

Program Director- IVF & Surrogacy

Can I please explain to you if you haven’t already come to the conclusion? KIC…Dr.Samit, Anjani, staff and Alexis are so super great. Every time I flip on face book, KIC, or international events, KIC is there..making head liners!!!

I will admit that there were two times where I thought we were just a number and a dollar figure to KIC. Then out of the blue one, two or three comfort my worries, pain and sorrow all at once.

As of last Wednesday Kevin and I agreed to transfer the last two valuable embryos that we have on ice.

Dr.Samit respond to us

” Kevin and Angela,

We will start preparing for a transfer by month end. I will update you again at the time of transfer”.

I’m not going to lie to you. At this point I am so completely dull of tears (I think), tiredness, exhaustion, fear and worry that I don’t feel anything. ANYTHING!!!

Is it bad of me to expect the worse at this point?

Look, I believe I was put on this earth to be a mom…a damn great mom. Having difficulty getting there is mighty discouraging. So, we are waiting…praying…physically begging God to allow us to be parents…soon.

I know this may be a lot of us to ask…but please..please pray for our next transfer..our child, our future.

Please know that I have made it through the hard stage. Please, by all means, ask me if you have any questions. If you have something to add to this email, please share. Ever ounce knowledge helps another. I’m sure existing and future Intended parents want to know all about what I….You…US,  may have to speak about.

Thanks again for all your love, support and following.

We will update you when we have our third attempt results. Bare with me and the time frame though, okay?!?!

Until then my friends, please share your love, support and story to all of us who can relate or are there for you in need of joy or pain.

Be well and blessed future upon you!!

Love Kevin and Angela