“What do you mean no track is left”?

I must have started this entry about a five times only to walk away wondering how to share this stage of our journey.

July 6^th we received Anjani’s email confirming that the HCG levels were below average, we do not have a pregnancy. Being that these embryos’ were the last two of our retrieval, the reality of our story hit us hard….all of it. It hit us like a freight train that lost its tracks. All our hopes, tears, love and belief was gone.

Immediately Kevin wanted to talk about our next step. I asked him to please give my time to accept and deal with the range of emotion that I was dealing with. I asked him to put our baby plans on hold for a few months. Between home and work I was so over whelmed. Of course when things are on the down fall, I have my family in Los Angeles falling apart. I came to a point where I was numb and full of emptiness. I just didn’t want to move forward with plans to have a baby when everything was a whirlwind around me.

Kevin sat me down and explained to me why he thought we should move forward with surrogacy. He told me that “six years ago when I met you I had no idea that I would need to make a decision about becoming a parent and how? Ang, it was years of you teaching me that neither ethnicity nor life style make a family or friendship. What you have taught me is to love and except all that comes our way. I think we should move forward with the surrogacy and look at both Indian egg donors and Caucasian egg donors.”

I thought about it for an hour (literally) and said “okay, let’s do it”.

After reviewing, discussing and turning every woman’s profile inside and out we finally came to a decision. We choose an Indian egg donor.

Due to Indian culture and privacy acts within our contract, we can not meet this surrogate nor have future contact with her. We understand the underlined respect for all egg donors. When we were choosing a Caucasian egg donor, there were several that did not want to meet us, nor have future contact either. So, we could have had this scenario both times. We were extremely fortunate to have had the honor to meet our first donor. It’s a part of our lives we will never forget with her.

Anjani got back to us pretty quickly and confirmed that our second donor agreed to become our donor and is excited to begin her process. She begins her cycle of treatment shots and such at the beginning of August. If all is on schedule, the egg retrieval will take place between August 25^th-30^th.

Yes, it is the sit by your email, no sleep, what if waiting period, all over again.

Believe me when I tell you that most of the above update I began typing back on the 26^th, I’m just now forcing myself to confront, and begin working on my fears and emotions with all of this.

I don’t know how to feel or express really what or how I think our second cycle will be? The last failed implantation we had, through me into such a deep depression/funk. I’m realizing I have more strength to do this then I thought I did. After choosing our new egg donor and have confirmation we will begin soon, this forced me to believe that there is tomorrow and we do have hope and a chance to become parents.

 If you are or have been through this, know that you are not alone. There are many of us that are going through this process. Only a few of us write about it. I’m here to share better or worse to the end of our beginning of our family.

I will give you an update when we have more details as we move towards the end of August.