Fourth time at it.. Let's start over again!!

"New egg donor and of course new surrogate for sure we are getting pregnant". These are the thoughts that echoed in our minds as we were informed yet again that we are not pregnant.
The initial HCG level of 49.6 reading confirmed a positive pregnancy. Two days following another HCG panel was taken with 24.14 level reading. Thus concluding the pregnancy did not push through. Cause again was due to bio-chemical obstruction. We were informed that a new transfer will take place forty days from September 24^th (the date we received this news).

 And yes, another new surrogate.
Anjani stated he and KIC knows the journey of surrogacy will be and has been hard on us, but to please keep faith. Anjani is always pleasant and straight forward, never producing harsh nor sugar coded pretense. Yet this time... it was too different yet all too the same. Me, “This has been our fourth failure and your telling us to keep faith and stay positive”? Ummm... no I snapped.

The horrid email was sent to us at seven o'clock on a Monday morning. We were both on our way to work as Kevin had me on speaker he pulled over to the side of the road and read the words that tore through us like a tornado through Kansas REALLY UNEXPECTED (as stated in paragraph one).

That night I immediately sent the following email to KIC, “O my goodness. We've were so sure we would be pregnant this time. Fresh beginning Indian egg donor probability is factual; studies have shown higher percentage of a full health pregnancy with Indian egg donor(s). We've been very sad all day. A heavy heart with the will to push forward is too much at times. We know we are going to be parents. What we don't understand is the ratio of attempts of embryo to re-transfer to a negative result. 

Anjani, we just do t understand. 

We tested Kevin's sperm prior to beginning our journey. 

Has our issue been spoken about as to perhaps Kevin chromosomes only adaptable to only a few genetic chromosomes?

We are getting scared that we may be having a bigger issue then what's in front of us. 

We understand and respect that our relationship with KIC is open and we are honest with one another. We need to hear something to help us know that this will work??

Like our situation, do many other intended parents go through this many attempts??

O boy’, heavy hearted is something that really sucks. 

We need comfort and words of encouragement. Fair is something that hasn't been on our side for awhile but the light is still shining....we hope so!!!

We will do our best to keep God in our hearts and prayers as we try to continue”.

Kevin and Angie 

Two days later, September 26^th, we sent another email to KIC and Lexi that read,” We are following up on our questions from Monday’s email. 

Will someone please get back to us”?

Thanks, 

Kevin and Angela Tassistro 

It was highly unusual for Anjani or Dr.Samit to reply a delayed response to any type of question or concern we had. This making every emotion and thought that much worse.
Lexi emailed us the very next morning (27th),

“Kevin & Angela

Has anyone from India gotten back to you yet? Please let me know”.

Thank You
Alexis

Have I told all of you how awesome of a person Lexi is? She may not be directly active with each of our attempted pregnancy, but she is there….in the quite hoping her client(s) dream comes true.

A few hours later we received an email from Anjani “Hi Kevin and Angela, I just came back to India. I couldn't get back earlier as I was traveling. I will discuss things with the entire medical staff and get back tomorrow".

Anjani was at a New York seminar supporting infertility  when our fears and questions were asked of the clinic.

Upon his return he reviewed our case with our doctors on October 1^st. He then contacted us and stated” We understand that this is what you weren't expecting and would be disappointed by the outcomes of the transfers till date.

As you know, there are 3 factors to achieving a pregnancy, the sperm, the eggs and the uterus.

By changing the donor and the surrogate, we have ruled out the other factors from the equation.

But, this doesn't entirely mean that the sperm is the problem.

As there also needs to be a certain compatibility of these 3 factors for which there is no exact science.

As we have a lot of frozen embryos remaining, we will be transferring those to try again and see the results.

If this doesn't work, Kevin would have to come again to give fresh semen samples, as if the samples are given under stressful conditions or/ and when the samples are given when there is an underlying illness, the results are not good.

How you also handle the situation and stress associated with the transfers is also very important.

I know this would be a difficult task to do. But, I would still ask you to be take each transfer as it comes. You have to be positive , of course!

Studies have shown that being positive goes a long way and helps with outcomes.

But at the same time, not be too excited and too emotional about the same.

I hope I am able to drive home the point in a proper way and not being perceived as hurtful or cold.

This way, you will be able to cope better; and look at each transfer objectively and not subjectively.

But, for now, you need to keep the faith as we do and let’s hope for the best!

We will not rest until you achieve a pregnancy and hope to give you the good news soon”.

Since Anjani’s email, Kevin and I have been put through the ringer..twice!!!

Both our jobs have become extremely overwhelming pulling us to work more hours during the week and weekends both. Pulling us in two different directions of what we have strive for and what has become of us.

In addition to ALL OF THIS, I too have been undergoing several testings in regards to both hormones and genetically.

I was informed after numerous testing, on October 2^nd I was born with a mutated gene that causes serious health issues including the inevitable…..

I am diagnosed with Alpha 1-antitrypsin

alpha 1-antitrypsin deficiency (α1-antitrypsin deficiency, A1AD) is a genetic disorder that causes defective production of alpha 1-antitrypsin (A1AT), leading to decreased A1AT activity in the blood and lungs, and deposition of excessive abnormal A1AT protein in liver cells.^[1][2] There are several forms and degrees of deficiency, principally depending on whether the sufferer has one or two copies of the affected gene because it is a co dominant trait. Severe A1AT deficiency causes panacinar emphysema or COPD in adult life in many people with the condition (especially if they are exposed to cigarette smoke), as well as various liver diseases in a minority of children and adults, and occasionally more unusual problems.^[3] It is treated by avoidance of damaging inhalants, by intravenous infusions of the A1AT protein, by transplantation of the liver or lungs, and by a variety of other measures, but it usually produces some degree of disability and reduced life expectancy.^[1]

^{Provided by}: wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_1-antitrypsin

So, imagine my dumbfounded… astonished reality as my doctor continued with the findings of what was found in both blood panel and CT scan. Not only do I suffer from A1AT, but I too have a “shadow” near my liver, over inflamed bladder and a bone spur on my lower back spine.

As my days at work continuously progress into a full blown war zone with personal and a close friend, I too am told that I may have cancer and O’ yeah…AND WE..are not pregnant AGAIN!!!

As of yesterday October 18th, I had surgery with biopsy to determine how, when or if I may be subject to any of the above mentioned. Doc said things look pretty good internally. But causes are underlined in cells that were withdrawn from both upper and lower abstraction G.I and colonoscopy.

SO…I now know why I was born to unable the birth of children. This mutated Gene passes from mother to child(ren). I just don’t know why or what ables me to push forward. Persistence???

I think it’s the fight…the challenge.  I've been here…done this once or twice in my life. Struggle is something I am prone to overcome. I have an amazing husband, family and close friends that remind me what life is truly about. Overall I am fortunate to know that my life trials are not as hard or worse, then others who suffer through worse then I have.

You know, over the past three weeks Kevin and I have been working with my step-mom and her dear friend in regards to adoption. Both are volunteers to an amazing safe/alternative way to baby adoption program “Projectcuddle.Org.” Kevin and I both have spoken to a representative and recent parents of project cuddle in regards to how the system works and has worked for her family.

 It is an amazing opportunity Kevin and I will have when we decide to move forward with this program.

Currently, Kevin and I want to extend our last trail (number five folks) at surrogacy through India before we decide to jump into adoption.

Kevin confused to me this evening that he really wants to try to do surrogacy with his guys again. We spoke tonight and he told me that he wants to continue to try for his part in surrogacy.  If the fifth time doesn't take, he will go back to India for another fresh cycle on his part. Again, if this time doesn't work, God please be with us, we will contact our lawyer through Project Cuddle and move forward with adoption at the beginning of this coming year. We shall wait until KIC is ready for us to begin another beginning of surrogacy.

I don’t know where in the world this will lead us to? Nor do I know if we will ever become parents? 

I confessed to Kevin earlier tonight that I sometimes feel we will fall into the hands of a woman that knows we are meant to be parents to the child she/ or they can not take care of without effort.

Realistically, I know that opening my front door every morning and night will bring us a child. However, becoming a mother, a family will take much more sacrifice than I can imagine or ever dream. My goodness....this is so much for my soul to absorb at times.

God knows I…WE have been praying for strength and will to push us through this year. MAN’O MAN…..HAS IT BEEN A HORRIFIC YEAR.

We really have depended upon our Father to deliver us from evil and send us to HIS glory. Envy and jealousy that haunts me from all corners of our lives has played a key to

my obsession of becoming a parent. God says jealousy or envy is not what we seek; it’s our worthiness to our GOD that matters.

So, having said that, here is where Kev and I are at.

I don’t know where the end or beginning of the next year or two will lead.

I do know that I will keep pushing forward and forcing the positive life for us closer than it wants to.

Having said that, if you are one of us that has gone through such struggle please give us some words of encouragement.

Until we hear from India regards to our fifth attempt of our succeed, we wish all our fellow intended parents now and in the near future, many blessings and love.