Tear Stained Eyes, I Ask Why”

Hello my Friends and Family,

Eight Weeks pregnant, it was the 24^th of May, a Wednesday morning when we received our email update from Anjani. He informed us that, “there is a hematoma (internal bleeding, UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER OF FETUS) present near the gestational sac.

Heart beat is present; however a hematoma like this can signify some kind of chromosomal abnormality.

 Since it is very early in the pregnancy right now, we cannot do any tests.

We have to wait until week 12 for testing to rule out chromosomal abnormalities.

Until then, we will be checking every week and keep you updated about the progress.”

As you can imagine, we were beside ourselves. How in the world did this happen…why….what does this mean….it goes ON..AND ON…AND ON….

 Of course we emailed Dr.Samit right away. We asked the questions without being to forward or rude…given the circumstance of our emotions. “The update from Anjani yesterday brings about a lot of questions.  We are very scared and worried now and trying to figure out what all of this means. When you refer to a chromosomal abnormality, are you just referring to the higher chances of a miscarriage or actually having a child with birth defects?

In the cases that you have done before, what is the percentage that everything turns out okay?

What can we expect to see in the next ultra sounds?  Are there signs that would say that things are getting better, like the hematoma is getting smaller or not even there anymore?

As for the surrogate, is there anything that she will be doing now that this situation is happening?  Will she be at your clinic now or is she still at her own home?  Can we ask you what your instructions to her are now?

We can’t do anything at this point…nothing. At this point there isn’t anything we can do except to wait for the next ultrasound….on the side line loosing all sanity that we both have together.

Dr.Samit the awesome man he is responded back to us immediately,

 “The surrogate has been at the clinic premises under nursing and doctor care since the embryo transfer.

The Hematoma usually suggests that a Chromosomal abnormality might be clearly established as the pregnancy keeps on progressing, this may happens in 50 % of the cases and the remaining 50% of the cases the hematoma might resolve completely and the pregnancy proceed uneventful.

• However this can only be known by week 12 by checking for double test to rule out ***Trisomy 18**** (which is a relatively common syndrome. It is three times more common in girls than boys. The syndrome is caused by the presence of extra material from chromosome 18. The extra material interferes with normal development). *** www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov**

• To also test for ***Trisomy 21*** (Down syndrome is a genetic condition in which a person has 47 chromosomes instead of the usual 46. Down syndrome symptoms vary from person to person and can range from mild to severe. However, children with Down syndrome have a widely recognized appearance). *** www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov**

• To also test the ***Nuchal Fold Thickness**** (A nuchal scan is a sonographic prenatal screening scan (ultrasound) to help identify higher risks of chromosomal defects including Down’s in a fetus, particularly for older women who have higher risks of such pregnancies. High thickness measurements are also associated with congenital heart defect. The scan is carried out at 11–13.6 weeks pregnancy and assesses the thickness of soft tissues of the nape of neck of the fetus. There are two distinct measurements -- the nuchal translucency, which is measured earlier in pregnancy at the end of the first trimester, and for which there is a lower threshold for increased diameter, and the nuchal fold, which is measured towards the end of the second trimester. Fetuses at risk of Down's syndrome tend to have a higher amount of fluid around the neck. The scan may also help confirm both the accuracy of the pregnancy dates and the fetal viability. Its high definition imaging may also detect other less common chromosomal abnormalities. ***Wikipedia***

The surrogate is taking rest and has been put on a steroid course; this has been shown to help in resolution of the hematoma in the past.

We will keep you updated on the next scan.

Fingers crossed”.

Okay….seriously…are you friggin kidding me??? Again we wait. Cry everyday, cant sleep; don’t eat….just….be…

Our case worker, Alexis Thomas here in the states had sent us a very nice email, “Sending positive thoughts you way! Please let me know if you need anything.” I totally love her to pieces. She truly is an incredible woman that has many talents…including being a friend, sounding board and our wire between us to India of course.

In the mean time, we are getting emails sent to us from “BABY CENTER.COM” (I highly recommend you check out and become a member of this website…when you become pregnant. and you will it is so easy and convenient to have)!!! To phone calls, emails from family via face book messages, messages from our blog. Yes, I do the majority of our correspondents and yes, I did get your message, however I just couldn’t allow the words pass me lips in order to answer you or update our blog…honestly.

 Week nine, June 1st goes by….same progress.

 Week ten, Friday, June 8^th, we received this email from Anjani, “Dr Samit dictated this email to me.

“The scan was done today and is attached; the hematoma is increasing in size.

The heart beat was seen with great difficulty and the heart rate has slowed down, it is now between 50 to 80 beats per minute.

This is nature’s way of preventing continuation of a pregnancy which can result in birth of a child with special challenges, at this moment there is nothing we can do to prevent a spontaneous miscarriage apart from providing luteal phase support. It does not seem like this pregnancy will continue. We will repeat the scan again on Monday and update you.

We are sad for this turn of events and so is the surrogate mother”.

Last Picture of our miracle:

This is something that I never thought we would have to live through.

 I thought, “Oh my goodness. I have had to live through so much emotional and physical pain…what? All the natural motherhood taken from me, why in the hell is this happening”? I was so beside myself. At this time, my mother, sister and friends were calling me to get an update….I didn’t answer my phone nor my emails (iPhone, everything is sent to me)!  I will tell you that this was the hardest thing for me to ever endure. I was barely able to get through the work day. The weekend, I slept..cried..was sick to my stomach,  both Saturday and Sunday. O’gosh, it was so hard to breath. Every second I was awake I shook with uncontrollable. Emotion ripped through ever ounce of goodness from my heart.  I had several anxiety attacks. There was so much pain like I never had imagined. I cried, so, so much.  My goodness did I cry like I never cried. I felt damaged and useless. Kevin and I barely did anything this weekend. We slept and cried, while the rest of life was moving forward.

We were so beside ourselves; all we could do was sleep and email our Dr. Samit, “We can't begin to explain how devastated we are. Having the internet to do research can be a helpful, hopeful and horrible thing to have.

What are our next steps?  What should we be expecting?  What do you plan to do over the next couple of weeks?

We really want to fight for our baby.  Please help us.

Our family and friends wanted an update on Pea Pod.  I can’t do it…I tried three times. I can’t. Those who stay near and dear to me I did lean on. One of my bride’s maids asked me what was going on. I finally spoke to Jenna (the first person I spoke to pertaining to the situation). I informed her of what was happening. God knows that I love her to pieces, and I don’t know what I’d do with out her??? She responded back to me that she was so, so sorry for our loss. She is here for me when ever I need her. We went back and forth between emails. “She is very religious which helps me accept and acknowledge the situation at hand. Whatever our child deformation might have been, GOD took her back for a reason. It was to spare our child from physical and mental pain, as we’ll as our suffering between Kevin and me.

Much to my dismay the last week slowly but surely has been a haze.

My prior week, one of my horrid week of pain I didn’t know which side was up or down.

June 11^th, Monday morning..this is what we woke up to, “We repeated the scan today and there was no heart beat found in the fetus.

We have 2 embryos left and we also have sperm samples.

Please suggest how you wish to move ahead.”

Even reading all of this now makes my heart hurt so, so much.  My sister told me to demand GOD to explain why, AND my purpose in life. Why do I not have child??? I’ve done right (well…almost right) by God’s rules, the law, and human nature.

I can’t explain the words, pain and sorrow that I alone was feeling..and Kevin. We discussed our situation twice. We both strongly agreed that if Pea Pod had been diagnose as deformed or Down syndrome, we would of stuck to our pregnancy. What God’s will is Good’s will?

 If I (and Kevin of course) were meant to raise a “special needs”, child…then so is it. I think all children are and should be  loved equally, in my heart it praises so!

My goodness, I can not express to you how much pain it is to go through this.  However like my sister Crystal and my dear friend Jacquie preached to me,” if the pregnancy was to carry to full term, it would be such a bigger heart ache burying the child that almost or did survive to term. The realty hit me when I had coffee with my good friend Jaquie. She was the Angel that I asked God to answer my prayers. Me, nor any of us( going through the same struggle) fathom the reason why these turn of events  happen.

After much emotional and physical worn shut me down, Kevin asked me what do I want to do? I told him I didn’t know if I could take another heartbreak like this, “Please lets contact an adoption agency”.

His reply back was that since we have already paid for the third attempt, why not try? I know her wants a child of his own genes. I just don’t know if God’s well is to have us doing Surrogacy or adoption? Since I am the one that is damaged (so I believe), I agreed to our third attempt.

June 12TH, per Dr. Samit, 

“Kevin and Angela,

Random chromosomal abnormalities occur in about 15 to 20% of all iVF/surrogacy cases (GO FIGURE WE FALL INTO THIS PERCENTILE….REALLY?) and end up in a spontaneous miscarriage before 12 weeks. This is nature’s way of not allowing the birth of a new born with significant physical and mental dysfunction.

You have two embryos that can be transferred. The third embryo is extremely poor quality and we will not transfer that.

I think we should transfer the remaining two embryos; they have a 205 chance of pregnancy, so I would definitely transfer those and then think of shifting to a new donor.

At our clinic we treat every single case on an individual basis, so you have our full attention at all times.

Let me know, I can do a transfer with the remaining two embryos by end of the month.

Regards

Dr Samit Sekhar

Program Director- IVF & Surrogacy

Can I please explain to you if you haven’t already come to the conclusion? KIC…Dr.Samit, Anjani, staff and Alexis are so super great. Every time I flip on face book, KIC, or international events, KIC is there..making head liners!!!

I will admit that there were two times where I thought we were just a number and a dollar figure to KIC. Then out of the blue one, two or three comfort my worries, pain and sorrow all at once.

As of last Wednesday Kevin and I agreed to transfer the last two valuable embryos that we have on ice.

Dr.Samit respond to us

” Kevin and Angela,

We will start preparing for a transfer by month end. I will update you again at the time of transfer”.

I’m not going to lie to you. At this point I am so completely dull of tears (I think), tiredness, exhaustion, fear and worry that I don’t feel anything. ANYTHING!!!

Is it bad of me to expect the worse at this point?

Look, I believe I was put on this earth to be a mom…a damn great mom. Having difficulty getting there is mighty discouraging. So, we are waiting…praying…physically begging God to allow us to be parents…soon.

I know this may be a lot of us to ask…but please..please pray for our next transfer..our child, our future.

Please know that I have made it through the hard stage. Please, by all means, ask me if you have any questions. If you have something to add to this email, please share. Ever ounce knowledge helps another. I’m sure existing and future Intended parents want to know all about what I….You…US,  may have to speak about.

Thanks again for all your love, support and following.

We will update you when we have our third attempt results. Bare with me and the time frame though, okay?!?!

Until then my friends, please share your love, support and story to all of us who can relate or are there for you in need of joy or pain.

Be well and blessed future upon you!!

Love Kevin and Angela