Choosing one or two???

It was five days ago Kevin asked me what I thought about two surrogates this time around. At first I thought “double the chances, double the babies”. Then I began to understand what it was he was trying to ask me.  We want double the reassurance with little to lose. KIC offers two separate surrogate implantation at one time. We thought, why not take the chance? Today makes four weeks to the next implantation and we are nervous and filled with so much appreciation.  We thought our best run with the best implantation was with fresh embryos. But as many things in life, our first run didn’t work out. Right now, we are so scared that the second implantation will be harder to accept if something goes wrong. We then turned to Dr.Samit for advice and suggestions. As always, Dr.Samit was kind and straight to the point,

 “We freeze 2 embryos per straw.

So we thaw 2 embryos at a time.

So if we plan to transfer 4 embryos, we thaw 2 straws.

It is your choice to opt for 1 or 2 surrogates.

With two surrogates your chances of pregnancy definitely increase but so do your chances of 3 or 4 babies at one go. It is a difficult decision. Please let me know and I shall do so accordingly.”

As you can imagine, we’ve been thinking non stop about this discussion day and night.

All day long today I’ve been trying so hard to think with a clear head. Yeah, a lot of good that did me. I was all over the map. Thinking about everything I had to get through at work for month end close (I do accounting for a big automotive group).  My sister’s blessing arrived yesterday afternoon at 2:04pm. She delivered a girl, Summer Lynne, 8 pounds, 11 ounces, 20 inches long. She’s in the Intensive Care Unit as of this morning. Her blood work came back with a high blood cell count. This tells the doctor’s that there is a bacteria infection somewhere in her little body. She also fractured her collar bone coming down the birth canal. Poor thing is struggling. She isn’t moving her right arm. The nurses will put her arm in a sling and wrap it against her body to help speed up the healing process of her collar bone. They’ve already started giving her antibiotics for her infection. I then find myself drifting into deep thought about the discussion we need to make. I did everything I could today to hold myself up and move forward.

When we finally had a moment to breathe tonight, I looked at Kevin and said "I need a moment to think and process everything”. What seemed like a week that the time finally came when Kevin and I sat down together and agreed that rather than two surrogates, one is more logical, emotionally and financially suitable for us.

So we emailed Dr.Samit. We informed him that after weighing our options we decided that we want to go with only one surrogate. We told him that we definitely would like the best opportunity for twins so what ever he thinks is best, we will agree with his decision. We informed him the only thing we are concerned about is that there are only 7 embryos left.  We assume that not all of them will make it past the thawing process. Again his response to our questions is stated above. Thaw two straws, transfer four embryos. Which straws he choices? We don’t know as of yet. We are assuming the two stronger straws that hold the higher grade of embryos will be the two he chooses.

I’m asking myself at this exact moment "where do broken hearts go?” I struggle with my infertility everyday.  I shed tears of joy for my family and friends that birth a new life each year. At the same time…I find myself crying tears of heartache, frustration and loss.

Will I ever be blessed with a child to call my own? Am I asking too much in life for a child? Am I meant to be a mother? Or am I here to help others in need? I don’t know? Only time will tell.