First thing every morning we check our email in hopes of updates from KIC. Much to my surprise, we received an email from Angel. It was a picture of Angel standing next to a poster at the clinic with a beautiful smile from ear to ear.
Before I continue I need to explain to you in detail what the poster looks like. In this lengthy poster is a cloaked woman facing us the viewer’s. She is embracing a naked infant (reflecting the symbol of birth of innocence and purity) against her chest. Above the woman and child reads “Mother’s Love”. I stood in place staring at the photo. I couldn’t stop looking at Angel, then the poster, then back at Angel. I slowly felt myself becoming emotionally upset, but said nothing to Kevin or Angel. I showed Kevin the email and went about my day at the office.
It was around nine thirty when I had to talk to someone about these emotions that were about to surface. I turned to my good friend Kaelyn I work with. She knows me very well. After telling her about the email I told her I was upset. She asked why? I told her “I’m not sure why she took that picture? I have several opinions about it. My first thought was, she is the biological mother making this miracle. She felt something when she saw that poster so she took the picture. Being so openly connected to us, she sent it without thinking how it may/may not affect me? And…. well, actually…that is my only opinion. I don’t find comfort in it at all.”
Kaelyn looked at me, gave me the look and told me I was reading into things way too much..like I always do. I said thanked her and left it at that.
About an hour later I had hit my peck and felt the hurricane approaching. I called my sister Crystal and just sobbed my heart out. I began explaining everything from beginning to end about this photo. I let everything out…she just listened. I told her that I know what Angel’s role is in this. I don’t need to be reminded that she has the possibility of becoming pregnant and I never will. I don’t understand why she would take a picture next to the words “mother’s love?” Does she think she is the mother? Yes, biologically, but, no…I’m going to be the mother. In the middle of my sobbing I found myself expressing things I have never spoken about. How I look in the mirror everyday and know I will never be able to see a life growing inside of me. All I see year after year is my reflection..getting older. I don’t understand how I ended up infertile? I have lived a good life. Followed the law, believe and try my best to walk in the Lord’s words. I am kind to others. I reach out and help those who are in need. Not because I was told to. Because that is how I am wired. I don’t know how to be mean and vicious. I don’t understand why? Why me? Why do I think about this photographer like this? Am I too insecure?
My sister then comforted me with deep words that only a few new how to answer me. She told me that I am finally moving forward with becoming a mom. I am dealing with a lot of feelings and thoughts I have repressed for years. And that it is okay. But I do need to face them and deal with them. Yes, we are starting our journey towards parenthood. I’m scared. And I doubt everything about myself right now. I explained to my sister that I have accepted my fate. And I am trying my hardest to move forward with my life. She told me the only way I will move forward, is not to stare too long into my past. She too told me that I was reading too much into the photo. Instead be thankful that Angel wants to share her experience and life with us. I thanked my sister for being my sounding board and my better conscious. I don’t know what I would do without her sometimes.
Later this evening I told Kevin how I felt about the photo. He said, “Honey, that is one of two pictures they have hanging up in the entire clinic. She just took a picture there to let us know that she made it to the clinic and she too is excited for us. I couldn’t help but chuckle. Thinking to myself that only a woman in my shoes would understand what I was feeling this morning.
I know I have to move on from this feeling. Our donor is so sincere and caring. I should know better. This is very hard for me. Being a woman, knowing what I was created to do. I can not. Another woman is trying to have my child. A lot of you are saying it doesn’t matter where a child comes from. A mother is a woman that cares nurtures and guides a child in life. I’m not arguing that fact. I agree. However the underline of my inability to conceive a child is what I am referring to. There is a moment where I think most infertile women going through surrogacy realize, this is going to be more difficult than I thought. There are emotions and thoughts streaming through me right now. I don’t know where to put them? All I can do is blog. So, here I am. I’m taking our journey day by day.
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