If you patiently accept what comes, you will always pray with joy...Evagrios the Solitary

Its seven o’clock on a Monday evening and the anticipation of a heart beat finding on our second ultrasound echoes with every ounce of my hopeful soul.

Last Wednesday Anjani confirmed an ultrasound that appeared as a little gestational sac was read measuring .53cm. Kevin and I reviewed the ultrasound and at first saw an oval reading of blackness. Then we saw what our glimmer of hope was. It was asterisk of definitive measurements that indicates the tiny darken mass reading as an implanted embryo. Anjani informed us that a second ultrasound will be checked for a heart beat seven to ten days from this date.

I find myself this past week, waking up in the middle of the night checking my phone for any new updated emails from Anjani. Kevin and I hold our breath as we await our last, yet confusing first step we might be taking into parenthood.

We told both sides of our family the happy news of our first ultrasound. Let’s just say that the outcome to everyone’s reaction was much expected. When dealing with the caution aspect of our family, I swear it still surprises me the reaction(s) we get from both sides of our family. And with that said I will leave it at that. I just really, really wish there would be more positive support from those that are continuously concerned and apprehensive of our decision to create our family thru surrogacy in India. If you are reading this, please find comfort in my words when I say, “Kevin and I are 100% sure Dr.Samit and Ajani’s team are doing everything in their power to help give us the family we long for.

Having said that much on my mind, this topic leads me to my next thought. I do believe that good things come to all those who wait. It may not arrive tomorrow or next week, but it does come in a shape of form. It is up to us to be able to acknowledge and decipher the difference between a coincidence and a blessing…whatever the situation calls for.

I believe whatever or however our child comes to us, it was meant to be that way. Kevin and I continue to pray for our miracle, however it comes to us. It is Gods decision to determine how we become parents in the end.

I promise to you all good or bad, I will let you all know the outcome of our second ultrasound.

Please pray and be hopeful for our next reading!?!?

I believe in miracles, and I believe in dreams

It’s been awhile since I’ve allowed myself to talk out aloud about our second attempt. I wanted to keep all thoughts, hopes and Prayers’ between me, Kevin and God for the past month and a half. I was afraid to jinks any and all good will that would come our way.

We couldn’t resist with filled excitement to tell all of you that yes, we are in fact pregnant!! Yes, we are over the moon with excitement!!

April 17^th we received our first HCG level reading (blood work) at 28.6 mIU/mL. Our second reading, April 21st was at 686.6 mIU/mL.  Not only did it double, but the levels tripled. After speaking with Anjani throughout the weekend, he had informed us that as of today (23^rd) we are currently at 4 weeks +2 days into our pregnancy. Anjani did inform us that we are in the critical period of our pregnancy (1^st trimester) and to expect our first ultrasound in the next few days to show us the gestational sac(s). We will need to wait another seven to ten days to check for a confirmed ultrasound heartbeat(s).

This feeling is amazing and so surreal; it’s nothing we’ve ever felt before. It’s like walking on a cloud of pure joy and love. So we wait until our ultrasound. We feel good about this one....we pray and love our positive blessings that we will fulfill our dreams. Please keep your fingers crossed for us!?!?   YEAH!!! 

“Hitch a ride on the back of a Butterfly”, lyrics by Train

As I was driving home from work today the song “Get to me”, lyrics by Train formed and played through my mind like a broken record. This song has and always will be my “go to”, song when I feel life has a hard way of “talking”, to me. I don’t know how to complete a thought when it comes to this stage of my life. I can’t form a proper word to express how I feel about any of this. Again, that is when I turn to simple things that I take for granted. Such as music (it doesn’t matter what form it comes in), novels, inspired story’s through another’s life. Or simply from behind the eyes of those I look at each day. I know the life I live is a good one. I have been blessed with many things, including my husband and my family. It’s when I look around at what I got, and without a child, I don’t feel like it’s a lot…with this life is every…with a child is EVERYTHING.

I have seen love and innocence through the eyes of my nieces and nephews. When I think of me holding my child, it’s weird, but I cant see a face…I only vision a baby..a toddler…crying, laughing, learning to crawl and walk with me..with us, Kevin and I.

I’ve experienced all these reassured moments so many times with my nieces, nephews and close friends with children. I have been there to see these little people grow and age into their life they are living now. I am fortunate to be a part of their lives and share so many new and happy moments with each one of them. It’s when I step from behind the camera, DVD recorder or face book to realize that I yearn to see all this happen to my own child that I long for. I don’t care how my child gets to me….just get to me.

Waiting on Pins and Needles..Take Two!!!

It has been nearly a month and a half since our first attempt of IVF yet it feels like eternity. The infamous “waiting game”, pertaining to IVF/Surrogacy comes in several stages.

First, hoping that the fertility testing on either the man/or woman comes back positive with at least one of us fertile enough to create an embryo.

Second, if applicable, choosing an egg donor/ or a semen donor and then waiting for her retrieval or his post thawing to take place.

Third, the waiting for your surrogate to become medically ready for the embryo transfer.

Fourth, after the transfer, waiting the excruciating fifteen days to the first blood test for the answer, YES…or NO.

Fifth, if the results are positive, the following day or two, the doctor will do a vaginal ultrasound scan to check for a gestational sac…or two!!

Sixth, once the ultrasound checks out well, we wait another 7-10 days to check for a heartbeat.

Seventh, once a heartbeat is confirmed, an ultrasound will be performed weekly for the first trimester or so to monitor and observe the growth of the fetus(s).

It’s the waiting game…all of it, the whole process...until the next stage, then the next. If you do not have patience or belief…this road will be a long one! 

 To tell you the truth, it feels bitter sweet to begin talking about our second attempt at pregnancy. Sharing our emotions out loud with you and asking you to walk with us on our journey, it’s tough at times. After learning about our negative results, Kevin and I spent several weeks discussing our loss, the disappointment and our fears. It was a few weeks later I spent some time discussing my thoughts, emotions and fears with my family. It hasn’t been until now that I've spoken about it since. I’m scared to let the words past my lips. I fear my thoughts and pain that spill into my dreams will never end. That’s when I force myself to search hard into the matter and make myself admit that there is a reason and a purpose why we are doing this…and it will be worth it in the end...it can happen!!

It has been a full month or so that our doctor(s) has needed to prepare our new surrogate for our second transfer. Dr. Samit is so sweet. He has stayed in contact with us as often as each week updating us on anything and everything that is about to transpire with our next transfer.  Again, he did reiterate that the Kiran Clinic has a very good survival rate post thawing embryos. So, we felt confident that we would have enough embryos to work with this time around.

March 7^th Dr.Samit had informed us that he had taken our surrogate off the birth control pills and began the fertility shots.

March 16^th we heard from Anjani. He informed us that the embryo transfer will be taking place on or around March 26^th-28^th.

March 23^rd Anjani updated us that the transfer has been moved to March 29^th.  We were fine with this as we know that this process can be a bit ahead or a a day or two behind schedule...given each circumstance of IVF is different.

March 28^th we received an update from Anjani. He informed us that our doctor had examined our surrogate yesterday (Tuesday the 27^th)  he had noticed that our surrogate’s endometrium wall was only at 7mm thick. In order to begin her on the progesterone treatment( progesterone is given to essentially assist in building and maintaining the lining of the uterus so the fertilized egg(s) can implant and continue to grow) her endometrium wall must be at 10mm. The doctor’s are optimistic that the thickening will be at 10 mm on Friday (March 30^th) hence; begin the progesterone for the full three day treatment. Then on Monday, April 2^nd our transfer will hopefully take place.

This past weekend came and went as quickly as a blink of the eye. Good thing we had so much planned to keep us occupied and busy. We only asked each other twice or so if we thought we’d hear good news that the transfer took place on Monday. As Sunday night approached we started preparing ourselves for the following work week. The first working day of the month, Kevin and I need to be at work by 6:30 AM or so( to prepare for month end close).

As Monday (April 2^nd) morning approached, I quickly jumped out of bed, powered on my cell phone in hopes that we had news from India. We did, from Anjani! With pleasant greetings from him and his team, he informed us that the transfer did take place earlier that day and that Dr.Samit will be getting back to us with all of the details regarding the transfer. As you can imagine, the entire day was not only hectic but unbearable. We wanted…no NEEDED to know how many embryos survived post thawing and how many were transferred.

As Monday night came and went, so did the sleep with me. As my luck would have it I FINALLY fell asleep as the alarm clock began screaming" time to get up...get up"!!! in my ear. Again, I quickly reached for my phone, powered it on and held me breath for my emails to appear. One by one they popped up until Dr. Samit email appeared. I awoke Kevin and insisted that he listen as I read the email that we were much anticipating;

 “Hi,

A Transfer was done yesterday.

4 embryos were transferred.

1 was A.

2 Were B

1 was C.

The pregnancy test will be 15 days from today.

All the best,

Regards

Dr Samit Sekhar”

So, here we are, day two of our next cycle…the waiting game. We couldn’t be more excited or anymore nervous than we are at this exact moment. Kevin and I begin sharing our blog with a few group of  friends about a week and a half ago. We have had so much support and love pour in from all over the country. It’s nice to finally have the support behind us that we’ve needed for so long. Regardless if our viewers understand what we are feeling or experiencing or not through our journey, it make a difference to Kevin  and I. We want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and hopefulness.

We would also like to thank our friends in our “KIC Network” that have kept in touch with us and have kept us close to your hearts and prayers. Thank you for reminding us that we are not alone in this. And that there is always a tomorrow to look forward to.

Most importantly, thanks to our friends at the Kiran Infertility  Clinic for reminding us to stay positive and keep our hopes and dreams alive!  

Hopefully we will hear positive news in the next few weeks. Stay toned!!