The Facts of Life

Angela’s story

When I look back at my young life, I can say I knew every aspect of the female anatomy, how it worked and where babies came from by the age of ten. While most girls my age were enjoying their adolescents like, roller skating, having sleepovers and listening to Madonna, I was spending most of my time in the hospital. Yes, I was introduced to the real life of woman hood.
 The problems began at the age ten. I had a dermoid cyst that was wrapped around my right ovary and tube. The doctor couldn't save either, therefore both needed to be removed.  Being that young, I didn’t understand why I was different then other girls. Nor did I understand what it was that was making me so ill.
 Forward nine years later, and my issues had progressively worsened. My left ovary was constantly engulfed in multiple cysts and I had developed endometriosis around the uterus. The Doctors didn’t know how to help relieve the pain. Over a spread of several laparoscopy’s I was put on birth control shots, pills, to pain killers. I soon became what doctors had feared, an addict to Vicodin due to the amount of pain I was constantly in. I was told I would need to go to “pain management” to help assist me “coupe” with my pain. At this time there was nothing any doctor could do for me.

It was June 14, 1998 I was at work swirling around my average hectic day at the office. Suddenly, I doubled over in severe pain. I couldn’t walk. I was rushed to the hospital ER where several tests and “cocktails”, were given to me. That is where my long drawn out story began and ended. The OBGYN on call introduced herself to me and my mother. She then quietly sat beside me, looked down at the hospital’s horrific mountain high medical file on me, then looked back at me. She said “your endometriosis has come back twice as much and your left ovary is again engulfed with cysts. We had a hard time finding the left ovary, but it is there, struggling. Angela I’m going to give you three chooses. One option is to stimulate your ovary using fertility shots to rapidly grow as many follicles as possible to freeze for future pregnancies. Or two, we can put you on a high dose of birth control for six months, take you off and get you pregnant right away. This will help relieve the endometriosis and ovarian cysts’. However, during the pregnancy or delivery, we have a high risk of possibly losing the baby/ or you. Or three, I can and will perform a full hysterectomy for you”.  This is the moment I realized my fate. I wept. Reality, my life, hit me like nothing I’ve ever imagined. I wasn’t ever  to become a mother. There I was, my mother standing next to me, holding my hand, weeping with me. Back then, health insurance didn’t cover the slightest bit of “family planning”. In fact, there wasn’t such a thing back in those days, not like today.  I don’t come from a wealthy background where mom and dad could financially assist me freeze my eggs. Nor did I want to risk neither my child nor my own life to possibly give life. My only choose for a healthy life and future was to have the hysterectomy. I was told I needed a second option because of government/ health insurance policies AND because I didn’t have children. I too needed a psychiatric evaluation to ensure I was mentally stable to deal with my loss.
It was August 11, 1998 around 6:30 in the morning when my pain, suffering and all my hopes all came to an end. My doctor took one last look into my eyes and told me everything will be okay. I was having the full hysterectomy.
When I awoke several hours later, I had three nuns and my mother standing around me. Being a catholic myself and being at a catholic hospital, I asked for daily prayers. I looked at my mom and asked “is it over, Ma?” With tears in her eyes, she said “yes honey, it’s over”. Relief and sadness swept over me. I drifted back into a medicated sleep where my body needed to recovery.
Forward to the present day, it has been a long journey that has lead me through several years of emotions, pain, suffering and now so much relief. I have been pain free, since the surgery. However moving into menopause very quickly at the age of 23 after my surgery wasn’t something any of us expected. I have been on hormone therapy now since September 1998(three weeks after the surgery). It’s been challenging, but each year, medical science is discovering many new ways to help assist women like me cope with hot flashes and mood changes.
As for not being able to share the joys and pain of carrying a child myself, I have faced it all and I have accepted my fate. I wont lie to you. From time to time it saddens me that I will never be able to feel a life grow inside of  me. Nor to feel and experience everything there is to being pregnant. I think the older I’m getting the more difficult it is to bear the pain and tears of motherhood...wondering if it will exist for me. Life is moving forward. Life is creating changes with hopes, dreams and tears.And with every once of my soul,  I can’t help but wonder if or when I will ever be able to love one of my own. I do know that God is good. I do believe there is a reason for everything that happens in ones life. I accept who I am and what is to become of my future. I often pray for strength and I pray for those who have loved and lost like myself. There will be a day that I will become a mother….someday.