“What do you mean no track is left”?

I must have started this entry about a five times only to walk away wondering how to share this stage of our journey.

July 6^th we received Anjani’s email confirming that the HCG levels were below average, we do not have a pregnancy. Being that these embryos’ were the last two of our retrieval, the reality of our story hit us hard….all of it. It hit us like a freight train that lost its tracks. All our hopes, tears, love and belief was gone.

Immediately Kevin wanted to talk about our next step. I asked him to please give my time to accept and deal with the range of emotion that I was dealing with. I asked him to put our baby plans on hold for a few months. Between home and work I was so over whelmed. Of course when things are on the down fall, I have my family in Los Angeles falling apart. I came to a point where I was numb and full of emptiness. I just didn’t want to move forward with plans to have a baby when everything was a whirlwind around me.

Kevin sat me down and explained to me why he thought we should move forward with surrogacy. He told me that “six years ago when I met you I had no idea that I would need to make a decision about becoming a parent and how? Ang, it was years of you teaching me that neither ethnicity nor life style make a family or friendship. What you have taught me is to love and except all that comes our way. I think we should move forward with the surrogacy and look at both Indian egg donors and Caucasian egg donors.”

I thought about it for an hour (literally) and said “okay, let’s do it”.

After reviewing, discussing and turning every woman’s profile inside and out we finally came to a decision. We choose an Indian egg donor.

Due to Indian culture and privacy acts within our contract, we can not meet this surrogate nor have future contact with her. We understand the underlined respect for all egg donors. When we were choosing a Caucasian egg donor, there were several that did not want to meet us, nor have future contact either. So, we could have had this scenario both times. We were extremely fortunate to have had the honor to meet our first donor. It’s a part of our lives we will never forget with her.

Anjani got back to us pretty quickly and confirmed that our second donor agreed to become our donor and is excited to begin her process. She begins her cycle of treatment shots and such at the beginning of August. If all is on schedule, the egg retrieval will take place between August 25^th-30^th.

Yes, it is the sit by your email, no sleep, what if waiting period, all over again.

Believe me when I tell you that most of the above update I began typing back on the 26^th, I’m just now forcing myself to confront, and begin working on my fears and emotions with all of this.

I don’t know how to feel or express really what or how I think our second cycle will be? The last failed implantation we had, through me into such a deep depression/funk. I’m realizing I have more strength to do this then I thought I did. After choosing our new egg donor and have confirmation we will begin soon, this forced me to believe that there is tomorrow and we do have hope and a chance to become parents.

 If you are or have been through this, know that you are not alone. There are many of us that are going through this process. Only a few of us write about it. I’m here to share better or worse to the end of our beginning of our family.

I will give you an update when we have more details as we move towards the end of August.

  

Hoping for the best, what to expect?

  I’ve been sitting here staring at this screen (what seems like an hour) wondering if the darn thing will talk to me or tell me what to type. I’m wondering how I begin yet another new beginning through this journey. Where will this first chapter lead us to? During these two weeks our family and friends have been extremely supportive. I will admit I was and sometimes playing the role of “Debbie Downer”. No I’m not enjoying it nor do I realize I am a “Double D” (no punt intended) until someone calls me out on it. Yes, I am one of those that wear my heart on my sleeve.  I’m having a bit of difficulty believing in all of this. Believing that having a child just isn’t in the book for us.

During these last two weeks our family and friends have been extremely supportive. It was a week after our loss we received a very special package in the mail from our niece Kailee and Irelynne. Inside we found these,

Kailee’s hand is drawn with lots of love from her beautiful heart she was born with. 

Kailee reminding us not to give up

and reminding us to not lose faith

Kailee’s drawing of a little Angel and Irelynne's outline of her hand  and little heart. 

Irelynne’s hand opened up into a set of small hands that were of filled with  joy,giggles and love from her and her family. 

Needles to say Kevin and I were crying and laughing all at once. It is incredible how the words and actions from children, especially these two love bugs, make us see things we forget or have temporarily forgotten 

I too received a beautiful poem my girl friend from work sent me. I know most of you; we will understand and relate to the words. 

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Kevin and I know that we are extremely blessed with those we have around us. We started this blog in hopes that our journey will help guide other intended parents, family, friends. We too wanted to show the world that love for your child doesn’t begin at the birth of a child. Love begins the day two people say yes to create a miracle that grows and teaches us so much more then pregnancy. It’s taught us how to be brave. Love is to stay strong together through the rough times good and bad. It’s taught us patience. Our love for our child showed us that it’s okay to have love and lost, than to never have loved a child before. Love for a child doesn’t have to be alone. There are hundreds intended parents that have shown us love, support and guidance through this year. All are willing to share their story, their care and concern and a listening ear when needed. Love isn’t time knowing a person. Love comes from complete strangers sharing their journey of one dream to another.

   

Our latest email from India was on June 20^th. We received an email from Dr. Samit confirming he had begun our third attempt at surrogacy by thawing our last two embryos’ we have remaining. Good news all around both had survived post thawing and was transferred to our new surrogate earlier that morning. Yes, that fast. We were informed that there were a few surrogates ready for transfer so we were chosen for one. Dr.Samit did reiterate that our chance of pregnancy this time is between 15 to 20%

Kev and I both know we should be excited, but the fear of loss and hurt out weighs the lighter side of this spectrum right now. We spent a lot of yesterday discussing this try. What are we going to do next? Do we go for an Indian egg donor? Do we go through the cycle of a new Caucasian egg donor? If so, expect a two months delay upon our first attempt with that retrieval.

We have a family friend that works in a unique woman’s group that assists a person or couples in adoption. We spoke about this possibility for awhile. Then we realized we came full circle back to the beginning of our surrogacy. It was very difficult discussing other options when we may be pregnant, no other option needed, thank you! We will have to wait and see.

So today is our twelfth day pregnant. The first HCG reading takes place between the twelfth - fifteenth day of transfer. Are we tired from lack of sleepless nights? Yes, getting used to it. Are we worried? Yes, getting used to it. Do we think it’s all worth it? Yes we do.

Alrighty, wish us luck. Hope for the best and expect…..