If tears could build a road…….

About a week and a half ago we received word that the pregnancy test was negative. The day we heard the news, might have been one of the saddest days of my life. As we read the email from Dr.Samit, I read it twice more to let it sink in. We both became emotional and held each other for what seemed like forever. The next few days following played in slow motion.  We functioned like zombies at work and home. We were in shock and filled with so much sadness. If tears could built a road to Heaven we would have fallen on our knees and asked the Lord to please give us love, give us our baby.

We were so sure that we were going to become pregnant this time. There was no doubt. We were talking about names, books to buy, headset and care package to send to our surrogate…sports he would play. Where the bassinet would be placed.... we agreed it would be right next to my side of the bed. We got too far a head of ourselves. We know the chances of IVF. But nothing or anyone can prepare you for a loss. When it takes a lifetime of challenge and hell to get to surrogacy then to only lose the first time…it sucks. It’s a beginning of life that we are trying so hard to create, that becomes so difficult to push through at times.
Needless to say, it doesn’t necessarily mean the highest grade of embryos is the best chance of pregnancy.

We have spoken a few times to Lexi and Dr.Samit a few times since our testing. We are going through a new surrogate woman and will begin our next implant in thirty to forty five days. It takes this long to prepare a new surrogate to prepare for implantation. They need to get her on birth control to stop her period. Next, give her the fertility shots to insure the endometrium wall (the cells that line the uterus “the womb”) is ready for implantation. Continuous progress checks are made on the surrogate each week. Usually the day before implantation, the unfreezing of our seven cryogenic embryos (Cryogenic: low temperature freezing using liquid nitrogen) will begin. This process requires several steps. First step is to thaw the embryos at room temperature. Next soak them in solution to wash away the liquid used to preserve them in. Then warm them to body temperature.  There are risks to the embryos during the thawing processes to the implantation.
If the embryos survive this process they will begin to develop at the same rate and have the same potential as fresh natural occurring embryos. There have been thousands of healthy babies born to the unthawing process and implantation of IVF. I read several articles that read embryos are only good cryogenically frozen for up to ten years. However, there is an interesting article I just read a few days ago on a website: “City of Moms.com” the article was called:

Baby Born from 20 Year Old Frozen Embryo

OCTOBER 22, 2010 BY ASHLEYS 

I thought the short story was amazing.
So does this second chance give us hope, yes! Do I think I lost it in the first place? I might have. But I think that is natural. I think intended parents should be able to grieve the loss, no matter how far along you are in the pregnancy.

As a matter of fact, I finally told my family about our loss last night. The questions and excitement from each person became unbearable. For the past several weeks we have been telling family and friends that we haven’t heard anything. I’m horrible at hiding my emotions from people let alone tell a lie. So, I had to tell them the truth. They were very quiet after we told them. But they did surround us with hugs tons of love. They told us to stay positive, keep the faith and they will pray for us.
Each day is a new day. We have gone through the emotions of being numb to the pain, to sadness, to anger, to questioning with doubt. The past few days feel as though we are moving forward with our positive hopes of becoming parents one day.

Until then, we will keep praying. We will keep our faith and remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason. God will provide when He knows it’s the right time. I pray that we keep strong and push through this together.
 
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:13 

Words of encouragement……

A week ago I was struggling with my emotions and doubting my place in this whole process. I was lost in my own world. I was struggling throughout the day trying to make sense of the way I was feeling and the relentless thoughts streaming through my head. I had an over whelming surge of emotions that hit me, and all I could do was cry. When my girlfriend ask me why I was upset, I tried my best to explain to her the way I was feeling inside. Shortly after our conversation she sent me an email that I would like to share with you.

Keep your head up.. I know it’s really stressful not being able to be lost in this whole process. You’re just going to have to trust the women that are helping you become a mommy. YOU are the mommy!! No doubt… they are just your assistants right now.

I found this out there in cyber space and it touched my heart...I hope it will touch yours....

  

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

I love you Ang, just know you have to be strong!! And I’m ALWAYS here for you!

These words of encouragement and power have helped me get through the days when I feel a little lost or alone.

To all of us women out there struggling with becoming a mother please know that you are not alone in this world. Whenever you need words of encouragement or you feel like no one else understands, please read this. Know we are out there waiting to become wonderful mother’s too.

Let the transfer begin…

We received word this morning from Dr.Samit. After three days of growth in the lab, we had a total of 12 embryos that have divided. We knew there would be a few embryos that would fall behind after slow growth. Never the less we are so happy and blessed that so many took. Out of the 12 embryos here is the breakdown on count and grade:  

Embryos:                 

4 –Grade A

4- Grade B

3- Grade C

1- Grade D

The transfer took place yesterday (02/01) morning. Dr.Samit has transferred five embryos as permitted by law. Three were grade “A” and two were grade”B”.  The remaining seven embryos have now been frozen for future use.

We are now at the “waiting game” stage. Kevin and I are extremely nervous and excited at once. This is so surreal to us both. We both prayed this evening. As for me…I’ve been praying for this for a very long time. Tears, lots of happy tears from us both today. Again, we are both overwhelmed with joy and anticipation. We can hardly contain ourselves.

We have kept our journey into IVF to a minimal with friends and some family. Before we begin to formally share and celebrate the coming of our family, we want to be sure this will become a strong healthy pregnancy. I never quit understood why expecting parents wait till they’ve reached the end of the first trimester to announce their pregnancy. I understand now. Kevin now feels that talking about it too much will jinks the transfer. I couldn’t disagree.

 Honestly, this waiting period will probably strip what little sleep we do get now. It too will occupy every thought, reach every breath and turn us into paranoid freaks over the next several weeks. Having android phones will become a hinder for access to our email day and night. Waiting for that email to come through to tell us we are pregnant. I filled with so much happiness I feel like I’m going to burst! I pray that the Lord gives us patience and guidance these next few weeks.