“Lost our spot in line??”…..

We received word today that our fifth transfer is negative, again. The remaining embryos we did have remaining didn't survive the thawing.

Kev and I just spent the past several hours crying, asking each other why?

OMG, it’s been since a hell of a year!!! We are so distraught from pain… words, they just cant describe, just so hard to form at this point.

This morning Anjani reiterated to us that our medical team suggests that Kevin travel back to India again to give fresh samples as discussed earlier.

Kevin is extremely adamant about continuing our avenue at all cost to surrogacy with KIC.

I , I don’t know…this, right now...is a tremendous struggle for me. It's so thick for me to explain to live... or…or to feel. Anger and such sorrow fills me in a way…I cant barely breath!!!

I see the light at the end of this struggle, I….WE both do. The now..the now WE just…just cant understand the present…the feeling , dealing with and struggling through all of this???? Just don’t understand???

We don’t know where we are going to go from here. We will keep you posted.

Past.."what if"?

It is 11/11/12 and I cant help but think....Soooo what if?

I had just spent the past two hours talking to my sister(Crystal) about her family that resides raising two kids of their own. We both spoke about what our upbringing was and how we reflect upon it. I for one being the oldest, had a wider range on how our lives played out. While my dad and Step mom took on a few years of responsibly to raise us at such a young age, I wonder if our biological mom ever had doubts about another woman raising us? Or if she made the right choice to let us go?? I don't know, nor do I ever feel the need to ask. What's done is done..we create our own destiny. I'm simply wondering..

 I cant help but feel envy and anger all at once. While most American women are borderline to answer "I raise and support my child(ren) on my own", or others that fall upon the cliche that our tax paying money has raised their/our own kids, on government support  is right or wrong? I recently voted for laws and a future to help better our child(ren) future and livelihood.

What I've tried to do is focus on the now, rather than future. I don't know what will become of of future as America? Nor do I know what will become of Kevin and I as parents? 

I do know that I, being the oldest of six know that it is trial and error that creates our future.

Being the oldest I want to know that I will be able to create and direct God's given soul to "us" to love, mold and raise above all else that I know.

Today is the 11th. On the 15th Kevin and I will find out if we are/ or not parents yet again.

Please pray for us and our child(ren). 

I'm at a cross roads as to how I need to approach the up coming year.Am I to be a mother?
If not this time,do I choose to speak about retrying surrogacy all over again? Or do I speak about adoption??? 

Do you remember back in the eighties, when "The Cosby Show" had the little girl explain to Dr. Huxtable that babies come from heaven in a line by stork's"? Well, I do. I remember it so vividly. Perhaps I was meant to understand the meaning behind it due to my future. Or it just stuck with me until now? Who knows?

I do know that there is a child in our kingdom that is meant to be blessed to Kevin and I. 

I don't want to give up until God says it's time.

For those of you that DON'T believe everything in our life (good or bad) happens for a reason....IT DOES!~~~

Until then....Kevin and I are so super nervous and excited we can barely handle it!!!!

NEWS BREAK...YOU'VE GOT MAIL

Hello All!

We would like to share a few links to KIC'S monthly news letters that we receive. They make for good reading. Interesting facts, bio's and photos are shared by KIC and their clients from around the world. 

September: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/kiran_infertility_center_surrogacy_newsletter_-_se?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

August: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/surrogacy_india_kiran_infertility_center_newslette?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

July: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/surrogacy_kiran_infertility_centre_newsletter_july?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

June: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/kic_newsletter_june?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

April: http://issuu.com/kiraninfertilitycenter/docs/kiran_infertility_centre_newsletter_april_2012?mode=window&viewMode=singlePage

Some like carousals, others like roller coasters. Us, we prefer roller coasters

As we are slowly headed to the end of this year’s “crazy ride”, it makes me think of something I once heard.

Some people live their lives as one would ride carousal. Moving softly at a steady pace up down, around and around. Most spending ones entire life running around in circles. A continuous cycle that constantly repeats itself with comfort and the knowledge that change will never be an issue as one lives life the same. Year after year same path walked and few things change. These people are unaware of other “rides” outside their atmosphere.  A lot of people like carousel. The fear of the unknown is mighty strong and scary (I know this, I speak from past experience).

Other people (such as us) live their lives as one would ride a roller roaster. Up, up we climb striving for success and all that we dreamed of having throughout life. Knowing with each click of your seat, you’re getting higher to your goal. This path is intense, heck we want to enjoy the hell out of our lives.

 Suddenly, the bottom drops out and you’re forced into this fast motion race with many turns (some are in the dark), loops and upside down suspense. Gripping the reins until your knuckles are turning white…we hold on for dear life.

I received a call back from me doctor. Great news! Both biopsies came back negative. No cancer, yeah!!!

I will honestly confess that having the thought of possibly having cancer forced me to revalue my entire outlook on life, including the way I live it.

Now knowing that I am cancer free, I want to begin moving forward again to the point where I am hopeful of my dreams of becoming a mother with my Kevin some day.

 I realized that I am looking at this journey, my life, cock eyed. Anger constantly fills my daily life.

Last night was Kevin and my three year wedding anniversary. We celebrated by going to an amazing bistro in down town San Diego for dinner. We began in the bar lounge to enjoying a bottle of wine we brought with us in toasting to another each of craziness, laughs and struggles.  Being Halloween night, all parents grandparents, kids of ALL AGES were out trick or treating at all the local restaurants and shops where we were enjoying our special night. An hour into the festivities the sidewalk and the entrance to our restaurant were packed with excited trick or treaters. I couldn’t help but to fill overwhelmed with envy, joy and sadness. With every baby and child that tried their darndest to speak those famous words” Trick or Treat”, my eyes filled with tears.

The never ending string of wanting to become a mother tugged at me so hard, it took all I had not to fall apart in front of Kevin and a room full of complete strangers. It was when I looked into Kevin’s eyes he then knew what it was that was distracting me.  He immediately asked our hostess to relocate us in a more secluded area where we could have a little more private time. After we moved to our table, Kevin and I talked about our journey through surrogacy, adoption and where we would we like to see ourselves next year? To sum it up, one word, “hopeful”.

We awoke this morning to receive awesome news. We received an email from Anjani stating that our fifth egg transfer had taken place. Five embryos total, 3: A & 2: B into one new surrogate. Testing will be done fifteen days from today. He wished us all the best.

Yes the anticipation is back into effect. Please wish us luck with our transfer. We will keep you posted when we receive word regarding the test results.

Until then, be well and enjoy your ride. Whichever one you are on, live it well without fear or regrets.

Love,

Kevin and Angie